Imagine, if you would, a man. This man is compulsively dishonest, a sexual batterer, an appreciator of Russian prostitutes, and a mouthpiece for Eastern European tyrants. His every breath is in service of self-promotion and self-aggrandizement. This famous man – because he is famous, God help us – used his celebrity to get a seat at the table of international politics, and to shill dubious endorsements bearing his name. This former reality TV star is the poster-boy for the Dunning-Kruger effect, greatly overestimating his own abilities while lashing out at critics who try to bring him down to earth.
If you thought I was talking about Donald Trump, I wouldn’t blame you. But, back when Trump was just a punchline for the New York tabloids, Steven Seagal was Trump. Hell, Seagal is more Trump than Trump, a runaway narcissist who makes the 45th president look charming by comparison. And, while the actor and martial artist has become a laughingstock in America, most people are unaware of just how bad he is. Steven Seagal is more than just your run-of-the-mill egotistical blowhard. He’s much, much worse.
Steven Seagal may not be a serial killer. He may not himself be a murderous dictator. While Seagal’s moral degeneracy is alarming, it’s his phoniness and hypocrisy – which have reached the very limits of human experience – that vault him into consideration for Worst Person in the World.
What exactly is so terrible about Steven Seagal? Well, since you asked…
Steven Seagal is a Bullshit Master of a Bullshit Martial Art
Ever heard of Aikido? If you have, it’s probably because of Steven Seagal.
Aikido was developed in 1920’s Japan by the martial artist Morihei Ueshiba. Seagal claims to have studied directly under Morihei Ueshiba, though has been contradicted by others who trained with Ueshiba at the time. Meant to be a synthesis of various judo practices with a focus on controlling, rather than disabling, an attacker, Aikido promises a holistic approach to martial arts, spirituality, and personal improvement.
It’s also total horseshit.
The purpose of this article isn’t dispute the merits of Aikido. There are useful techniques in any martial art. Aikido, though, is widely considered an ineffective fighting art due to its pacifistic approach, and a promulgator of cult-like delusions due to its focus on hocus-pocus spirituality. Need more evidence? No aikido practitioner has ever become a successful pro fighter. Most Aikido schools won’t even attempt to compete against other styles, because this is what happens:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFdhoi3wRII
It’s no surprise, then, that a man whose life has been steeped in delusional self-aggrandizement would be an Aikido practitioner. In Seagal’s defense, he is supposed to be very good at Aikido (which isn’t saying much) and he could he probably kick your ass. The latter part has less to do with his mastery of an esoteric Eastern art, and more to do with his the fact that Seagal is enormous, and extremely violent.
But, we’ll talk about Seagal’s history of violence in a little bit. For now, enjoy watching the master in what surely isn’t a staged event at the behest of Vladimir Putin (We’ll talk about Seagal’s relationship with dictators later, too. The guy is a gold-mine of awfulness).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USUbB-kg6P4
There was one time when Seagal’s mettle was tested against another martial artist. The story is apocryphal and has several variations, but boils down to one thing: Seagal got choked out by Gene LeBell. Gene LeBell was a pioneering American martial artist who worked as a stuntman, professional wrestler, and fight choreographer – famously, LeBell taught Bruce Lee how to grapple. The most common iteration of the Lebell/Seagal incident comes from an episode of The Joe Rogan Experience, where Rogan recounts the story as it was told to him by LeBell. According to LeBell, he and Seagal were working on a film together when Seagal boasted that nobody could choke him out. LeBell challenged Seagal to prove this claim, to which Seagal agreed. Once Lebell had Seagal in the chokehold, Seagal began striking LeBell in the testicles. Lebell finished the choke, letting Seagal fall to the floor and defecate in his pants as he went unconscious. Seagal denies the event ever happened, and accuses LeBell of lying for attention.
Seagal, however, has a rocky relationship with the truth. Which, brings us to…
Steven Seagal is a Pathological Liar
We’ve all met the guy. He has a katana over his bed that he swears belonged to Miyamoto Musashi. He practices some form of martial arts you’ve never heard of, has a gorgeous girlfriend you’ve never seen, and was once recruited by Special Forces – but decided to focus on his music, instead.
Steven Seagal is that guy. There is no lie too outrageous, no claim too self-aggrandizing, no macho posturing too desperate. There’s honestly too much too write about, so I’ll just bullet some of Seagal’s more outlandish yarns:
- Seagal claimed he was an advisor to the CIA.
- Seagal once told an associate he was a former Navy SEAL. He later went diving with that same associate, who reported that Seagal didn’t know how to dive and nearly drowned.
- Seagal likes to tell people that, as a child, he was an Italian hood in Brooklyn. There is no evidence that Seagal ever spent time in Brooklyn, and his mother said that he is of Jewish and Irish descent.
- Seagal tells people that he trained with the Aikido grandmaster Morihei Ueshiba, though Ueshiba died when Seagal was only fourteen.
- Seagal also claimed that he regularly battled the Yakuza in Japan with the help of American Mafia connections from his Brooklyn days. His first wife, Ayako Fujitani, says that Seagal never had any contact with the Yakuza.
- Unsurprisingly, Seagal has a love of swords. So much, in fact, that he boasts of being the world’s foremost sword expert whose knowledge is sought out by auction houses.
- Seagal likes to take credit for the successes of others. He began hanging around MMA gyms and boasting that he had trained champion fighters. Seagal told the media that he taught UFC champion Anderson Silva his devastating front-kick, a claim which Silva later denied.
- Seagal’s talent, and precociousness, knows no bounds. According to the sensei, he played guitar for an all-black Detroit R&B band in the 60’s. He would have been eight years old.
- Seagal manages to drag the Lee family into his bullshit, declaring that he was both a personal friend of Bruce Lee, and that he had intimate knowledge of Brandon Lee’s death. Again, the timeline doesn’t match up for either claim.
That’s just the tip of the iceberg. Ideally, this kind of Munchausen-like chicanery would be a harmless quirk. Realistically, it’s a sign of a deeply entrenched sociopathy that leads to…
Steven Seagal is a Rapist
Seagal’s history of sexual battery recently became public on the heels of the #MeToo movement, but Hollywood insiders, gossip columnists, and movie buffs had been aware of allegations going back to the 80’s.
Seagal’s M.O. has been consistent with that of other Hollywood predators. Established actresses such as Jenny McCarthy and Portia de Rossi were groped and harassed but – perhaps afforded some protection by their status within the industry – their abuse ended there. For aspiring actresses, however, a meeting with Seagal carried the very real danger of rape. The up-and-coming actresses Regina Simmons and Faviola Davis (who was 17 at the time) gave accounts of their ordeals: they were lured to Seagal’s home with promises of auditions or industry connections, only to find themselves alone in the house with Seagal and his bodyguard. Seagal would ask them to strip or reenact a love scene, he would start touching them, and… well, you can imagine the rest.
Seagal’s depravity wasn’t limited to starry-eyed actresses who landed on his casting couch. In 1987, Seagal wed actress Kelly LeBrock in what would be the third of his four marriages. The couple divorced in 1996 amidst rumors of philandering, sexual abuse, and spousal battery. During an interview in advance of her autobiography, Lebrock was asked if she had ever been raped by her ex-husband.
“I had a life before Steven Seagal, and a life after him.” Lebrock responded. “This book is not about Steven Seagal. But good or bad, he is a part of my life.”
You may have noticed she never said, “He didn’t rape me.”
Perhaps the most shocking of the allegations against Seagal took place in 2010. By then, Seagal’s star had faded and he was booking into the convalescent home for washed-up actors: reality TV (more on that later).
In February of that year, a 23-year-old model named Helen Nguyen answered a Craigslist post advertising an executive assistant position. Upon accepting the job, she was taken by private jet to Seagal’s estate in rural Louisiana. Things began to unravel immediately. The moment they met, Seagal informed Nguyen that his wife wouldn’t mind if he and Nguyen became lovers. During a tour of the estate, Nguyen was introduced to a pair of Russian women who, according to Nguyen, were live-in concubines for the aged actor. That night, Seagal demanded a massage from Nguyen, which escalated into three days of repeated sexual assaults.
Nguyen’s situation was the stuff of nightmares. Not only was Seagal’s estate in an isolated part of rural Louisiana, but he was a sheriff’s deputy whose celebrity status made him beloved among local law enforcement. When Nguyen finally convinced a taxi to meet her outside, Seagal pursued her with a pistol, declining to fire as she escaped in the taxi. On April 12, 2010, Nguyen filed a lawsuit against Seagal claiming sexual harassment, wrongful termination, and human trafficking. The suit was dropped three months later with no public explanation, suggesting it had been settled out of court. As a result of the lawsuit, Seagal had to resign as a deputy sheriff of Jefferson Parish where the assaults took place.
Steven Seagal Loves Injuring People
Seagal’s violence doesn’t only extend to women. Colleagues describe him as a bully who uses violence to assert himself as alpha male. Stuntman Stephen Quadros said of Seagal, “I know guys he has hurt to the point of having to have surgery.”
Actor John Leguizamo tells a more detailed story about Seagal’s tendency to rough up his coworkers. On the first day of rehearsal for the film Executive Decision, Seagal came into the rehearsal space and announced, “I’m in command. What I say is law.” When Leguizamo laughed at the boast – thinking it was all a joke – Seagal slammed him into a brick wall, knocking the wind out of the 160-pound actor.
Even James Bond wasn’t immune to Seagal’s violent outbursts. In 1984, when Seagal was still doing stunt and choreography work, he was hired to train Sean Connery for the film Never Say Never Again. Connery didn’t take the training seriously enough for Seagal’s liking. Seagal broke his wrist.
Steven Seagal is a Phoney-Baloney Spiritualist, Because Of Course He is
Hollywood is full of predators – I did mention that Steven Seagal is a rapist, right? – but none fall under the radar more than Tinsel Town’s spiritual parasites.
Hollywood Buddhism is the perfect belief system for out-of-touch, egotistical stars. It emphasizes personal empowerment, assigns the practitioner ranks they can lord over the unenlightened, and provides a smoke-screen of respectability. It’s no wonder, then, that spiritual hucksters found themselves a willing victim in Steven Seagal.
Like many celebrity Buddhists, Seagal found the fast-track to Nirvana: wearing a ponytail, a Mandarin collar, and giving shitloads of money to Buddhist organizations. Millions of dollars, perhaps, and millions more brought in through fundraising and seminars bolstered by Seagal’s brand.
Seagal has given so generously to Buddhist organizations that, in 1997, he was not only declared a Tulku (saint), but the living reincarnation of Chungdrag Dorje, one of the most important figures in Tibetan Buddhism. It’s worth noting that the lama who made this declaration, Penor Rinpoche, had a history of elevating unqualified individuals to high spiritual positions, and Seagal had recently donated a large sum to Rinpoche’s temple in Maryland.
But Seagal, humble in his Buddha-nature, is always eager to speak of the Eightfold Path. When asked about his faith during a fundraiser for the Dalai Lama at the Beverly-Wilshire Hotel, Seagal had this to say:
“My involvement has been quite secret up until now… There are still many things I cannot talk about, actions to be taken in real life on behalf of the Tibetans that will not just be in movies.”
And, when asked about the Dalai Lama:
“I’ve seen so much bullshitting from people who just want to be associated with the Dalai Lama. But the Dalai Lama gave me a spiritual blessing that would not have been given to anyone who was not special. I don’t think he has given such a blessing to another white person.”
Steven Seagal: Buddhist.
Steven Seagal is Bad at Absolutely Everything
One would think that between being a secret agent, reincarnated Tibetan saint, antiques expert, and martial arts master, Seagal wouldn’t have much free time on his hands. Unfortunately for the world, Seagal has attempted to branch out, apparently self-conscious about his status as America’s heartthrob:
“I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, rather than a sex symbol.” – Steven Seagal
Take, for example, Seagal’s foray into music – the highlight of which was the smash hit Me Want The Punani.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLe_BZ1mo3I
If you’re wondering why Seagal seems to have affected a Jamaican accent, know that Seagal’s speech patterns change depending on his audience. He has, at various points in his life, adopted Japanese, New Yorker, Cajun, and African-American accents, kind of like an equal-opportunity cultural appropriator.
Not content to ruin only music, Seagal is also a Novelist. His book, somehow entitled The Way of the Shadow Wolves: The Deep State and The Hijacking of America is the story of a Native-American ninja-cop who uncovers a left-wing conspiracy controlling the federal government. It’s safe to say that Seagal’s co-author did most of the work, but just look at this fucking thing:
The Seagal brand also put out a line of energy drinks called Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt, which “combines the secrets of true energy that martial arts master and actor Steven Seagal discovered in his travels all over the globe,” with “a natural energy drink packed with vitamins and exotic botanicals.” Except for a short run at select 7-11s, Lightning Bolt was only ever available at online retailers. One of the flavors, – tastefully named “Asian experience” – was described by Agony Booth as, “fruit-flavored genocide in a can.”
The One Time Steven Seagal Dealt With The Mafia, it Did Not Go Well for Steven Seagal
Steven Seagal might never have fended off yakuza hordes with the help of the Five Families, but in an odd twist of fate he did have a run-in with the Italian mob.
Seagal’s long-time producer, Julius Nasso, was a Gambino Family associate. After being informed by his spiritual advisors that his violent movies would be a hindrance toward a propitious reincarnation, Seagal cancelled several upcoming movies that he was under contract to produce with Nasso. In addition, he owed Nasso a sizable amount of money, which Seagal reneged on under the pretense that all his income went to Buddhist causes.
Nasso enlisted the help of some Gambino Family enforcers to collect. The gangsters took Seagal to the back of a restaurant in Brooklyn and extorted promises that Seagal would make good on his debts to Nasso. Later, they appeared at Seagal’s house in Los Angeles, where Seagal paid them $700,000.
Seagal never contacted law enforcement. The only reason the event went public is because the FBI was bugging a known Gambino hangout, and heard about the extortion plan through the wire. The gangsters joked with one another that, during his abduction, Seagal was terrified and completely compliant.
No word on whether he shit himself that time, too.
Seagal wound end up testifying against Nasso and the other Gambino associates in court, closing the books on his only truthful – and humiliating – experience with organized crime.
Steven Seagal was a Dangerous and Incompetent Cop
If I asked, “What is the perfect career for an egotistical bully with authoritarian tendencies?” and you said, “Police officer,” then you probably work for the programming department of A&E.
In 2009 an aging, overweight Seagal agreed with A&E to produce the reality program Steven Seagal: Lawman. The premise of the show was that he would be deputized by the Jefferson Parish sheriff’s department and filmed making arrests, helping on investigations… you know, cop stuff. Though, according to Seagal, he had been a top-secret classified police special agent the whole time, adding to his already impressive resume:
“I’ve been working as an officer in Jefferson Parish for two decades under most people’s radar.”
The first season was relatively uneventful, with Seagal mugging for the camera as a bunch of hick Louisiana cops basked in the fulfillment of their own action-star fantasies. Production stopped in season two due to Seagal’s rape of Helen Nguyen in the same Louisiana county where he served as deputy sheriff. Things got even stranger in season 3, when the show relocated to Maricopa County, AZ. Seagal and Sheriff Joe Arpaio – more on him, shortly – got a tip that a local chicken farm was hosting a cock-fighting ring. Seagal and a heavily-armed SWAT team drove a tank into the home of Jesus Sanchez Llovera, damaging Llovera’s house and crushing his 11-month-old puppy to death. A brief investigation found that Arpaio was acting on bad information, and Llovera was completely innocent.
What began as a publicity stunt ended as a ruined house and dead puppy. Not surprising, though, considering…
Steven Seagal is Friends With the Other Worst People in the World
If the name Joe Arpaio rings a bell, it’s because he’s been a fixture in the news for the better part of a decade. The self-styled “world’s toughest sheriff” has long competed for the title of America’s most corrupt public official. This article isn’t about Arpaio, but just to give a little perspective on the man: he has been sued countless times for racial-profiling policies; his jail was infamous for human rights abuses; he once faked an assassination attempt on himself during a tight election, and actually jailed an innocent man for the fake assassination; he has threatened, harassed, and arrested political opponents and journalists who were critical of his policies; he was convicted of contempt for refusing to uphold a ruling that his practices were in violation of the Civil Rights Act, then promptly pardoned by Donald Trump. Basically, Seagal and Arpaio are kindred spirits – so much that, even after the rape/human trafficking allegations against Seagal, Arpaio still deputized him with the legal authority to enforce the law in Maricopa County and patrol the US/Mexico border for illegal crossings. Hell, Arpaio even wrote the forward for The Way Of The Shadow Wolves: The Deep State And The Hijacking Of America.
As bad as Arpaio is, Seagal’s nefarious associations get worse. By 2012 an obese, middle-aged Seagal – unable to find work and reeling from lawsuits and pending criminal charges – began spending less and less time in the United States. He was still popular in Eastern Europe and the former Soviet Republics, in the way that those parts of the world always seem to go bananas over American culture from twenty years ago. Seagal began starring in a string of direct-to-DVD action movies filmed in Serbia and Russia. His contributions mainly involved sitting in chairs and mumbling lines at the camera.
During Seagal’s travels he became the darling of dictators, who see the support of an expat American action star as valuable propaganda – particularly one who espouses authoritarian views in sync with the policies of the regime.
Seagal visited Belarus’ Alexander Lukashenko – once nicknamed “Europe’s Last Dictator” – for a friendly hangout that was broadcasted on state television. Chechen butcher Ramzan Kadyrov, a brutal gangster who rules Chechnya as Vladimir Putin’s puppet, is also counted among Seagal’s international friends. There is no relationship Seagal cherishes more, however, than the one with Putin. The pair became so tight that, in 2016, Putin personally gave Seagal Russian citizenship (where Seagal now resides). Seagal is more than complimentary toward his friend, having said Putin is, “one of the greatest world leaders, if not the greatest world leader alive today.” Since then, the Buddhist Steven Seagal has become involved in the Russian arms industry, promoting weapons made by the firm of oligarch Igor Kesayev, and attending a military exhibition in the entourage of the Russian deputy prime minister.
It’s almost too obvious to state, but Steven Seagal is also a loyal supporter of Donald Trump.
With any luck, Seagal’s past will come back to bite him – though don’t hold your breath. The newly-minted Russian citizen wouldn’t be extradited to the US for a criminal indictment, and being on the periphery of the Trump-Putin-Arpaio-Gulliani circle means that charges against him might not stick – at least under current political conditions.
So, in the mean time, try to enjoy what small justice the internet has meted out on the world’s worst person: https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/4i0jso/i_am_actor_steven_seagal_live_from_thailand_ama/
Colin Heintze 